I am such a fucking loser.
I’m living in a fantasy created by my fucked up mind. A fantasy where I may have some sort of chance at being special or happy or wanted by someone.
I have lived my life on a path that deems me worthy of this unattainable sense of happiness and I’ve become increasingly tired.
I’m tired of kidding myself that I will be happy with myself someday. I’m tired of believing that I’m able to hone what scraps of abilities I possess. I’m tired of denying the fact that I’ve wanted to die so many times over the last decade. I’m tired of desperately seeking the attention of others just to be constantly and blatantly ignored. I’m tired of thinking I deserve to be with someone that’s been on my mind everyday for the last 5 goddamned years.
And it all amounts to a waste of time that I didn’t realize this sooner. Because in reality, there’s nothing there inside me to grab ahold of. I contribute nothing to myself or anyone else’s well being. I don’t make people’s lives better. And more than anything, no one will ever truly want me.
I will eternally be an afterthought. I will always be last picked and be the one that someone is forced to be stuck with but would much rather abandon altogether. I will be the skidmark that stays behind, lying helpless in the middle of the road, as the car drives far and away from where it left me.
I will always be alone in this life. I will always be useless in this life. I will always be unwanted in this life.
I really just want nothing more than to disappear. That might make plenty of lives better.
Heaven knows that I’ve always been depressed.