I am such a fucking loser.

I’m living in a fantasy created by my fucked up mind. A fantasy where I may have some sort of chance at being special or happy or wanted by someone.

I have lived my life on a path that deems me worthy of this unattainable sense of happiness and I’ve become increasingly tired.

I’m tired of kidding myself that I will be happy with myself someday. I’m tired of believing that I’m able to hone what scraps of abilities I possess. I’m tired of denying the fact that I’ve wanted to die so many times over the last decade. I’m tired of desperately seeking the attention of others just to be constantly and blatantly ignored. I’m tired of thinking I deserve to be with someone that’s been on my mind everyday for the last 5 goddamned years.

And it all amounts to a waste of time that I didn’t realize this sooner. Because in reality, there’s nothing there inside me to grab ahold of. I contribute nothing to myself or anyone else’s well being. I don’t make people’s lives better. And more than anything, no one will ever truly want me.

I will eternally be an afterthought. I will always be last picked and be the one that someone is forced to be stuck with but would much rather abandon altogether. I will be the skidmark that stays behind, lying helpless in the middle of the road, as the car drives far and away from where it left me.

I will always be alone in this life. I will always be useless in this life. I will always be unwanted in this life.

I really just want nothing more than to disappear. That might make plenty of lives better.

Heaven knows that I’ve always been depressed.

If I had a bullet for every person that abandoned me, ignored me, or wanted me out of their lives, I’m sure it would be a high number and they’d all be lodged in my brain. Put there by those who left.

55

I haven’t heard from you in 55 days.

In 2 hours and 10 minutes, it will be 56.

We are already 3,000 miles apart as it is.

And every new day that passes, one where I don’t speak to you

Is a day that further expands the great divide in my heart.

It’s cracking slowly. It’s breaking slowly.

It’s realizing that you forgot about me too, like all the others, slowly.

It’s becoming more infected with jealousy and paranoia slowly.

It’s giving up hope slowly.

It’s hurting slowly.

And this slow hurt, a hurt that hasn’t left me in 55 days; it’s hurting badly.

photoshoptrial:

do you ever write a message but halfway through you think “you know what fuck it they dont even care” and delete it

Always.

(via justinebeans)

I’m not CIA

(via crieffgriefs)

I’ll be a thorn in your side ‘til you die.

I’ll be a thorn in your side, for always.

pauladamedson:

So today I decided to draw my friend, @justinebeans. She’s purdy, you all should follow her. :)

To this day, this is still one of my most favorite things I’ve ever drawn. :)

pauladamedson:

So today I decided to draw my friend, @justinebeans. She’s purdy, you all should follow her. :)

To this day, this is still one of my most favorite things I’ve ever drawn. :)

krudman:


Can Bob’s burgers and pokemon just be a thing?

krudman:

Can Bob’s burgers and pokemon just be a thing?

(via rocketgruntjessica)

The Stars Of ‘X-Men: Days Of Future Past' Play Fuck, Marry, Kill +

Ashley… just this.

(via thedoctordraws)

I am tired and hungry and totally useless…

Hey Internets! My name is Paul. I am an art student in college, a musician, an amateur photographer, a blogger, and most importantly, a professional dork and nerd.

twitter.com/pauladamedson

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